


Voices In My Head

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Ned Vizinni, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, More tags as I go, No Spoilers, Oma Kokichi Being Oma Kokichi, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, coping skills, good ending, no murders yet, shuichi just needs validation and a hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-01-31 07:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21442651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Shuichi is given a device by Monokuma that is meant to make him into the person he's always wanted to be. Confident. Popular. Awesome. However, nothing in the Killing Game is simple, and the consequences for using the device is giving Shuichi a motive. Will Shuichi fall into Monokuma's plan, or will someone pull him out in time?
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 24
Kudos: 160





	1. When I Wake Up

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter is short just to see if you guys like it. Will post another chapter soon, longer this time. Thanks!

It was a motive. He should have told his fellow classmates the moment he opened the little box and read the little note resting on top of a white earpiece. He didn’t know why the note was necessary, as the moment he plucked it out of the black box, Monokuma showed up. 

‘Do you ever wish to restart?’ He read, staring down into the paper, especially at the word ‘restart’. It was laughable. He obviously wanted to restart. Leave the killing game, forget the pain of seeing his classmates fall further into hopelessness. Even though there had been no deaths so far, he didn’t doubt that there would be one eventually. There was no way everyone would settle here for life. They weren’t the type to go down without a struggle. 

“Smile! You are one of the few gifted with a trick this time around!” Monokuma roared with laughter, hands on his belly. “I had a feeling you’d be the one to appreciate it most. It’s truly a one of a kind device, without a doubt!”

“This earpiece…” Shuichi picked it up and held it in his hands. It was small and smooth. It was like an ear bud, but with no speaker to be seen. “... This is the new motive?”

“Sort of. You could label it that.” Monokuma jumped down from where he stood on Shuichi’s coffee table and waddled over. “If anything, this is a boost in the game for someone like you.”

Shuichi’s eyebrows furrowed. “Uh, a boost?”

“Jeez kid, you really are a piece of work.” Ouch. “This little piece is going to do the impossible- what a kid like you could only dream of!” 

He looked back at the bud in his hand with a frown. What he always dreamed? He doubted that something so small, so inconsequential, could possibly contain so much power. If it could grant that kind of wish, he’d be out of here with the rest of the students already. Or maybe he’d wish himself dead so he could be out of this bleakness. No. He’d leave with everyone before that. 

“This device can turn you,” Monokuma began, poking at his calf, “from a meek, skinny little bastard to the person you’ve always wanted to be. Think of it. Someone has popular as Kaito. Someone as friendly as Gonta. Someone as inspiring as Kaede.” 

Shuichi tensed as the list continued, a lump in his throat building. The bear’s red eye gleamed. “You can’t really expect them to keep being this patient with you, right? And there’s only so much Kaede is willing to do for you before she realises you are a hopeless fool. You will remain that shy loser in the back of class just like back then. The one picked last for all sports and project. The same one who’d be picked up early by his uncle after getting beaten up every week at school. You’ll be the same old Shuichi Saihara who dug his nose into crime files over making any friends because he was too afraid. The same kid that no one remembers, and no one misses.”

“T-That’s not true!” Except it was. Shuichi backed a few steps away, holding the bud close to his chest. 

“You must feel so alone,” Monokuma chuckled, shaking his fluffy head, “being around so many people with so much more to lose. How does it feel to sit at dinner in silence as they all reflect on their pasts? You can’t tell me it doesn’t hurt. I know it does.”

Shuichi gulped dryly, shaking his head. He looked towards his door, eager to run out and join everyone for breakfast, but he couldn’t make himself move. 

“But you can be the man you’ve always wanted to be. Free of all anxieties. All you have to do is put it in.” 

He didn’t hear Monokuma left. After a good minute of calming down though, he felt he could breathe clearly again. It was nice to be alone in the room he expected total privacy in, but it appeared that might not be the case. He glanced to the door to see it was still locked. Good.

His fingers danced across the smooth texture of the ear piece. He held it close to his face, trying to examine it as best as he could, but there wasn’t much to it. It hardly looked like it would make a decent skipping stone, much less a device that would change his life as he knew it. A scuff left his lips the longer he stared at it, but he didn’t put it down. 

“Friends, popularity,” Shuichi hummed to himself, sitting down at the side of his bed, “all things that I never really got to experience. Never will… I’ll admit, I guess I am a little jealous sometimes.”

He hung his head, hat loose enough for his bangs to all fall before his eyes. He closed his eyes tightly as he remembered Kaede talking to him all afternoon yesterday about her best friends at school. Then later, when he was helping Angie, she couldn’t stop gushing about her religious group and all the things they did together. He never had something like that. He wondered what it would feel like to be a part of something, like a team, and to be wanted. “That’s not something that can be solved through an ear bud.”

Still, he lifted it up and pushed it in. It was just a piece of plastic. It wasn’t like it would actually solve all his problems. The motive was probably to fill him with despair and jealousy until he took it out on someone. 

Shuichi expected Monokuma to know him better. He’d never kill anyone.

He sat in silence with the ear bud pressed in. As he expected, nothing occurred. A chuckle fell past his lips as he stood up. “What a motive…”

Shuichi reached up and grabbed onto the small piece. He yanked it, but froze when his ear erupted in pain. It wasn’t coming out. “What…?”

Suddenly, he felt claws digging into his cartilage, burrowing further into his ear canal. A terrified scream fell past his lips as he fell to his knees, holding his head in his hands. His sight was going white. He felt the air catch in his throat and he felt as though he was suffocating. He couldn’t remember the last thoughts to cross his mind before he lost feeling of his muscles and he face planted into the floor. 

The doorbell was ringing. It kept ringing. Shuichi could hear it before he even woke up. He clung to the annoying noise until his eyes opened. Though he sported a killer headache, Shuichi managed to slowly bring himself up to his knees. He clung to his bed as he guided himself to his feet. Once he managed to gain his balance, he got himself to the door. 

His hand touched the cool metal, but then froze. He pursed his lips, trying to apply pressure to his limb, but it wouldn’t move downward to open the door. 

“You want to leave looking like that?” Shuichi gasped as he heard a voice filled his head, as if someone was looming over his shoulder. And when he turned around, though the room had been empty only seconds ago, someone stood behind him. Someone he recognized. The person behind him raised an eyebrow before gesturing to his pajamas he had yet to change out of. “They weren’t even a good choice for sleepwear, and you want to show off that god awful pattern to the world?”

“Who… who are you?” Shuichi managed to whisper.

A ripple ran through the person before him, a temporary glitch as though he was watching from a virtual headset. His hands were at his hips in a way that radiated confidence, stance firm. His medium length hair was gelled back in a messy, but stylish way. There was a sharp look in his golden eyes as he examined Shuichi, a sneer across his lips. He wore black pants and a shirt collared shirt with the first two buttons undone. In one hand the usual jacket Shuichi wore was folded in half, hanging casually despite how long it’d take to iron out later. Not that it mattered, as he never had to. He always assumed Kirumi did the laundry. 

“I’m you,” The Shuichi in front of him greeted, not bothering to hold out a hand to shake, “or should I say, the you you wish you could be. Do I look about right?”

Shuichi’s blood ran cold. Was this the motive? Was he being replaced by a hologram of sorts?

Shuichi- No, that’s too confusing. Saihara walked over to his closet and threw open the doors. “You need to be properly dressed before going anywhere.”

“What is going on?” Shuichi squealed when a hanger of clothes was thrown his way. Saihara gave him a look, clearly unimpressed by Shuichi’s flightiness at the moment.

“You put the piece in, didn’t you?” Saihara asked as he urged Shuichi out of his pajamas. Shuichi struggled to move away from his touch only to realize that Saihara’s hands phased right through him. He wasn’t real. Shuichi changed, a thick blush on his cheeks as he did so, waiting for Saihara to finish. “I am your own personal information system, I suppose. A little leg up among everyone else in this competition.”

Shuichi buttoned up his shirt. Saihara pointed to his collar with a glare until Shuichi unbuttoned the first two, much like how Saihara had his. “Your desire, as I’ve been exploring the longer I’ve been in your system, seems to be popularity. You want friends. Want to be the guy everyone looks up to and respects, it seems. There’s also the want to get back to your uncle, to be out of the game, blah blah blah, yadda yadda ya-… And what’s this…?”

Saihara paused. Shuichi stared back, confused how the hologram was pulling all his rushing thoughts straight out of his head. Saihara grinned. “It seems you also want to win someone's affections. That’ll be added to the list of goals I’ve set for you. First task, however, is to fix your god awful haircut. The 2005 called, they want you to leave it in the past.”

Shuichi’s hands began to shake. He jumped, looking to Saihara for help. “Relinquish control. Just relax. I will take over and finish you up.”

So he did. That easily. Shuichi watched as if he was on autopilot in his own life, watching as he took off his hat and used a small amount of gel in the bathroom to slick his hair. The strand of hair that always seemed to stick up was now smoothed down. It looked nice, though he wasn’t too comfortable with his hair out of his face. 

“You look nice with you hair out of your eyes,” Saihara hummed from behind him, hands behind his back. Shuichi glanced over as he took control back. 

“Uh, thank you?” He scratched the base of his neck. “I… There’s no repercussions for this, right? Having you around?”

“My goal is to serve you,” Saihara replied, “and only that. Monokuma has no control of me, and he cannot hear me or communicate with me. Only you can, so be careful to not talk to me in the presence of others.”

“In that case, you could aid us in escape.”

Saihara smiled. “Unfortunately not. That's one of the only bits of knowledge I am not privy to.”

Shuichi nodded. He could understand that not being within the buds system. This wasn’t meant to really give him a leg up in the game. He only wished he knew why Monokuma decided to help him out.

“Let’s go. Remember, I will always be here for you. Just listen and follow my lead, and everything you could want will be within your grasp,” Saihara fiddled with his shirt cuffs as he headed to the door, “including the little one in white.”


	2. My Will

Shuichi blushed, following him to the door. Saihara stood to the side so Shuichi could open the door without phasing through him. As he opened the door, he locked eyes with Kaito, still jamming his finger against the doorbell. His eyebrows shot up in surprise. “There you are! I was beginning to think you were somewhere else, but no one saw you all morning…”

“A-Ah, sorry, I slept in,” Shuichi replied, shaking his head, “I guess I stayed up too late last night.”

“It’s fine,” Kaito chuckled, waving his hand, “besides, it means you will have more energy for training later! I wanted to know if you wanted to get lunch since you skipped breakfast.”

“It’d advise going. Outside is seventy four degrees, you won’t need your jacket.” Saihara flashed him a smile, as if he spoke up to remind Shuichi he was there. Shuichi suppressed the urge to answer the other version of himself.

“That sounds good. Let’s… go.” Shuichi stepped into the hall, but was stopped by Kaito holding a hand out. 

“Are you sure?” Kaito tilted his head, gesturing briefly to his appearance. “You usually have your hat or jacket. It’s not that I hate your new look! You look nice! But… are you comfortable?”

Not really. Having his hair out of his face made him want to duck his head and hide. He was having a hard time making the little eye contact he was with Kaito currently. Saihara sighed. “Lift your chin. Smile.”

Shuichi did so reluctantly, trying to make his smile not twitch. “I just thought I’d try something new. It’s a little warm for wearing a jacket anyways…”

Kaito grinned. “Well! Maybe you’ll get a little tan without it on! I was thinking the same thing, it is a bit too warm sometimes to be lugging my jacket around too.”

Kaito walked with him to the school building. The sun felt nice on Shuichi’s face, but he didn’t enjoy it as much as he should have. Every step they took made his eyes scan over the open space, praying others wouldn’t see him. He felt so bare. Kaito’s babbling did little to ease these thoughts, and Saihara didn’t seem to notice his uneasiness, looking off as if analysing something in the distance. 

“Shuichi?” He squeaked, pausing in his steps as someone exited the school building. It was Rantaro, holding an apple and a notepad. He gave a little wave as he walked down the steps to greet them, a relaxed smile on his face. 

“Did something happen while I was busy yesterday? Girls give you a makeover?” Rantaro laughed before shaking his head. “I’m joking around. You look nice. And now I can finally see your eyes!”

Rantaro ducked a little to be at the same height as Shuichi in order to look in his eyes playfully, grinning when he saw the embarrassed blush cross the others’ face. “There we are! Same old Shuichi Saihara!”

Kaito laughed as well. Shuichi felt anxiety fill his gut from their laughter. They were laughing at him. He couldn’t do this. Why did he trust a stupid ear bud given to him by the makers of this death game? Was the motive being so embarrassed for falling for such a stupid trick?

“Relax.” Saihara shook his head. “These are your friends, right? They aren’t laughing at you to make fun of you. Change confuses people. They’ll get used to it quickly, but you have to be confident. Own your look.”

“I don’t-” Shuichi cut himself off before he could speak out loud to the vision. The two students next to him didn’t seem to notice. 

“Laugh with them. Fake confidence to build confidence. Tell Rantaro you wanted to just try a new look, ask him if he can help you out sometime.”

Shuichi did as instructed. His laugh sounded forced. He was used to laughing into his hand, concealing it as much as possible, but he knew that wouldn’t fly here. “Yeah! It’s, uh, still me. I just wanted to test out a new look. It’s easier to see now.”

Kaito laughed, clapping a hand on his back. “I bet! Kaede will be thrilled you got rid of the hat. She’s been pressuring you since day one to throw it in the trash!”

Ouch.

Well, at this it was honest. He couldn’t remember a day where Kaede didn’t mention his hat or try to take it from him to hide on a tall shelf somewhere. 

A small, real smile worked its way onto his face as he turned to Rantaro. “Actually, I’m still figuring things out with all this. I don’t want to waste the hard work everyone has done to help me become stronger and more outgoing. I’d appreciate if you could help me sometime? You always look cool and coordinated.”

Rantaro paused, a wide grin stretching across his lips. “Yeah! No problem! Stop by my room any time you want! You have a good start, but I’m sure we can ask Tsumugi to help make different clothes that might be less stiff.”

After a brief goodbye, Kaito and Shuichi resumed their journey to the dining hall. Kaito was a few paces ahead, roaring about a cool dream he had as Saihara walked to Shuichi’s side. Shuichi leaned over to quietly whisper, “How’d you know that Rantaro would be willing to help?”

“Because he’s gay.”

“Rantaro’s gay?” Shuichi gasped out loud. Kaito turned, confused. 

“You didn’t know?” Kaito asked, shaking his head. “Maybe that hat cut off the circulation to your brain too.”

Shuichi gave him a little smile. “That’s probably the case.”

Shuichi’s afternoon was stock full of seeing his classmates and explaining his change. It was a little exhausting, but Saihara helped ease most of the burden of coming up with conversation topics. It was nice to have a little coach to oversee your actions and give advice. He helped remind Shuichi to breath and clear his thoughts, managed to make him feel more included in the group than he ever imagined he’d be. 

“With everything I’ve heard,” Saihara hummed as Shuichi closed the door to the library, wanting a little peace from the others, “it seems that Kaede is very interested in you, which is a miracle since that was before I came along.”

“Really?” Shuichi sat down on a chair.

“Signs point to it, but I’d have to meet her to get an accurate read on that situation.” Saihara sat down in the other one, running a hand through his hair. “She’s real pretty though, if she matches the videos and photos in my database. Luminous blonde hair, soft eyes, award-winning smile… Why not pursue her? She’s popular, sweet, has a pretty nice rac-.... Anyways, why not?”

Shuichi shifted in his seat. He picked up a random book and dusted off its cover with the back of his hand. “She’s my friend.”

“So is…” Saihara sighed. “You do know I’m supposed to be making the you you want to be, right? I can’t do that if you don’t listen to me, so please take me seriously when I say that chasing after that one will lead to nothing good. He’s unpopular, obnoxious, a downright horrible friend, and he has a creepy smile sometimes. It’s in half the pictures I have in the database.”

The corners of his mouth twitched downward the longer his clone prattled on. “That’s… not all true. H-He’s hard to understand. I don’t… I think I’ve actually have indulged in this a bit too much already. Thank you so much for your start, but I think I want to take it out now.”

Saihara glanced toward him, eyebrows raised. “You aren’t even done with the day and you want to get rid of me? After all I’ve done?”

“Well, you aren’t,” Shuichi stumbled over his sentence, “real, right? You fulfilled your goal as a motive. There’s no reason to continue on this way.”

“You think we are done?” Saihara laughed, gesturing wildly. He pushed some locks that fell in his face from loosened gel, showing once again his yellow eyes, but now wide and exasperated. “You truly are hopeless if you think you are done now! How can even the shittiest person, shittiest detective think this is it?”

Shuichi stood, clasping the book to his chest. “That’s-”

“Don’t try and deny shit!” Saihara stepped in front of him, getting close. Shuichi knew he was only a vision. He wasn’t real. However, Shuichi still stumbled back a step, bowing his head to avoid the others harsh gaze. “You could feel it too? All their judgemental eyes. They are all still so disappointed to be stuck with someone so weak and incompetent. It’s pathetic that you think one good afternoon will make up for all their wasted times waiting for you to grow a pair and become useful.” 

“Kaede said-”

“Shuichi, you can’t believe Kaede isn’t getting tired of this, right?”

Shuichi felt a cold chill run through his body. Saihara was soon replaced with pitch blackness. He blinked several times before his gaze returned. Except this time, he was high in the air. He couldn’t move or see his body, but he could see himself staring from a corner inside Kaede’s lab. She sat at her piano, shifting through the papers with a frown across her lips. 

“I don’t know what to do,” She sighed, voice cracking as if over a low quality microphone. Shuichi smiled, remembering hearing her a few times talking to herself when getting things ready alone. He always found it cute to see her fussing over things while muttering under her breath, trying to figure out her problem outloud for anyone to hear, “he’s just… so irritating. I need to keep a cool head and play nice, but I swear he just whines and makes a mess of everything… I just have to deal with him until the end of the game. Then I don’t have to ever see him again. Thank god for that.”

The screen flicked and soon his true sight came back. Saihara appeared before him with a smug look. “See? I was trying to help build your confidence by letting you remain unaware, but… I guess this will give you a different kind of strength.”

Shuichi paused. “She… said that? About me?”

“Yes. Not too long ago too.”

He bit his lip. “I, uh… Can I see the rest of it? I want to hear it. Please.”

“No time,” Saihara chided, “we need to go see the others before they think you’re falling back into your annoying depressive moments. Like really, being so self-pitying is sooo annoying.” 

Shuichi’s hands clenched as Saihara walked to the door, arms folded in front of him. He stopped as he reached the door. Upon realising Shuichi wasn’t following, he spun on his heel and raised an eyebrow to him. “C’mon, we are losing daylight.”

The detective looked down at his shoes. His heart stung in his chest. His stomach felt empty, but he had no desire for food. The feeling in his hands were growing numb with a weird cold, tingly sensation he couldn’t name. It was so much. He felt so heavy. 

“Can you… help me?” 

Saihara smiled. Shuichi slowly felt himself be pushed into the passenger seat in his mind. He closed his eyes and allowed for Saihara to take the wheel. 

“You made the right choice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi is in the next chapter! Thank you for the comments and kudos, I am happy you are all liking this!!!


	3. Lazy Bones

When Shuichi woke up the next morning, his body was sore. Saihara sat on the side of the bed, looking down at him with a pleased look on his face. He hadn’t seen that look on his clone before, but it wasn’t unwelcome.

Slowly, Shuichi sat up. “I… I’m sorry. I don’t remember- Did I pass out?”

Saihara shook his head, smile on his lips. “No, you must have gotten a little too dazed in your mindspace. Do you remember last night?” 

“Not at all.” He got up from bed and made his way to the bathroom. Upon glancing in the mirror, he frowned at his disheveled appearance. He turned on the faucet, then proceeded to splash his face a few times until he was wide awake. Saihara walked over to join him and took a spot leaning against the doorframe, examining Shuichi as he decided to shower. His button up and trousers hadn’t been replaced with pajamas and felt uncomfortable brushing up against his skin for so long. He already felt reluctant to get back into them when he was done. 

He set the shower to a luke warm temperature and waited for it to adjust accordingly. He noticed his old conditioner and shampoo was replaced with two red bottles he’d have to examine once inside. 

“So did uh,” Shuichi began, rubbing the back of his neck, “did all go well? What happened? And why am I sore?”

“We made great strides,” Saihara hummed as Shuichi stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain back. He couldn’t see a shadow reflected against the white as he started to where Saihara should have been standing, “toward your goal. It’s a lot to explain, too little time to go over it, but all is well. I really think with just a few more days of this, you could be the miles ahead of where you were before I showed up.”

Shuichi stilled under the running water. His fingers tightened around his gel-crusted locks at the words that fell from his lips. Gulping down the lump in his throat, he resumed coaxing the product from his hair, reveling in the feeling of it falling into his face and hiding him from the world like it used to. It was comforting in a weird, but welcome way. 

He lifted a bottle, pleased to see he selected the shampoo on the first try. He poured a small amount into his hand and began to work it through his hair. “I… don’t think I want to do that again. I’m happy you did so much for me, but I don’t… I’m a little shaken by the fact I don’t remember last night at all.”

Shuichi forced a smile on his lips, one that quivered. Why did he feel so strange? Was it because of the whole changing process? No. No, it wasn’t that. There was something wriggling in between his ribs, pressing insistently against his organs. The hairs on his neck were standing. It was like a flight or fight response being suppressed and internalized with dread. 

“Is that so?” Saihara fell quiet for a moment. Shuichi focused on his breathing in order to hear where the vision was, but then remembered that that was all he was. A mental image from a device Monokuma gave him. He didn’t have to worry as long as he didn’t give control.

His throat tightened. A cough bubbled in his throat afterward, the foreign tightness in his throat disappearing. Saihara grasped the shower curtain and pulled it back. Water began to drip over the sides without the barrier protecting it, but Saihara wasn’t bothered by it. 

Shuichi reached to yank the curtain back, but found himself frozen stiff. His breathing began to accelerate, skin burning under the water, and his mind slowly began to race as his clone gave him the most dead look he’s ever seen. He stumbled back a step, back colliding with the slick wall of the bathroom before he fell. 

“W-What are you doing?” Shuichi gasped through pants. “I-I-“

“Does this feel familiar, Shuichi?” Saihara droned, crouching down at the side of the tub. “You used to go through this nightly during the beginning of the game. You were so afraid, so scared to go to your room in fear it’d all come crashing down again. Without me, that cycle will just come back. Harder than ever.” 

Shuichi felt his heart throbbing in his chest, beating miles per minute. His mind began to be taken over with awful images and words sprawled across his floor in blood. He felt faint. “S-Stop doing this-“ 

“... You seem to have become detached enough. I’ll help you out.” Shuichi could feel something strong inside his brain, but didn’t have the strength to fight it before it took control and forced him into the darkness. 

To his relief, upon waking, Shuichi was fully dressed. He was standing by the library’s main door, hand raised to the door knob. Saihara appeared to his side, sighing out loud. Shuichi’s hand clenched around the knob. It was nice to feel the breath entering his lungs at a normal rate, and his skin not burned by steaming hot water. His body was a little sore from his fall, but he preferred his current state over his past. Still, he felt a little exhausted for having done nothing that day from his knowledge. He glanced at the clock in the hall. It was 5PM.

“Thought I’d let you have a little fun today. I need time to process. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m thinking. Just stay here and be good.”

Shuichi opened the door to the library and stepped in. Saihara followed, taking to leaning against a bookshelf nearby in order to get himself together. Once he was settled, he began to flicker out. Was this his own way of charging? Shuichi had no clue, and he doubted he’d get any response if he asked. 

He crossed the room and headed straight for the detective books. Desperately, he tried to recall anything he said or did for the day, but Saihara didn’t seem to have let up control until now. He hoped he’d remember a small slip up, but there was nothing. 

Shuichi reached the bookcase with ease. His fingers trailed over the spines of the books, all which felt familiar in his hands. Too familiar for his liking, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. He selected a title at random, then pivoted to head back toward a seat in the front of the room, but stopped when he spotted a glob of white on the floor. Tuck between the half shelf facing away from the door and a stack of books was none other than Kokichi Ouma. His head was lulled to the side, being supported by War and Peace. His knees were almost up to his chest, but was still compacted enough that he wouldn’t be seen unless someone was where Shuichi stood or closer. 

A smile crossed Shuichi’s lips at the sight of the supreme leader “napping”. It wasn’t the first time he had found the other like this, and he doubted it would be the last. He set the book back down before walking over and stooping down. He could have sworn he saw the other’s eyelashes twitch as he pushed away the stack of books. As if to cover himself, Kokichi let out a small snore. 

“Let’s get you to bed, lazy bones,” Shuichi mumbled, taking the boys limp arms and placing them around his neck. The boy’s hands tightened ever so slightly. Shuichi then hooked his arm under Kokichi’s knees and back before hoisting him up. He was relieved that Kokichi weighted so little and he has been exercising with Kaito, because the first time this happened, Shuichi had to take breaks. Even as tired as he felt, he knew he could probably manage to get to the dorm. 

Shuichi passed Saihara, who seemed to be zoned out still. By the time he was on the staircase, the ghost of Saihara was being dragged along with him, still not entirely present. He was glad to have his head be quiet, if only until he brought Kokichi back to his room. 

Once outside, he took in a deep breath to fuel his muscles. Kokichi mumbled sleepily, nuzzling against Shuichi’s shirt and collarbone before Shuichi began to head toward the dorm area. To his luck, Kiibo was just leaving and held open the door for him. Finally, he was in the last stretch: the stairs in the dorm. He forced himself up the steps, heart pounding from exertion. He grinned victoriously when he reached the door. 

Glancing down once more at the ‘sleeping’ boy in his arms, he noticed the large grin on the others cheeks. Faster than he thought possibly, Kokichi scrambled from his arms and onto his own two feet, not a trace of sleep in his expression as he beamed up at him. “Aww, Shuichi is such a gentlemen! And here I thought you were avoiding me.” 

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” Shuichi replied, catching his breath as stealthily as he could. He didn’t think it’d matter if he bothered trying given the fact Kokichi always seemed the most observant. He must have figured out Shuichi was the one who entered the library quite early on in order to assume that position, the one he usually did. If it was anyone else, he’d jump scare them before running off. It already happened twice with Rantaro. Now Rantaro admitted to not feeling safe in the library from his near heart attacks from ‘the little gremlin’. 

“I’d beg to differ, Shumai,” Kokichi sang, stepping forward into Shuichi’s personal space. He didn’t move as Kokichi reached up and ruffled his hair, now slightly stiff with gel. The boy frowned when his hair stayed relatively up, but now a mess. “I don’t like that… You look weird now. And your hair looks gross.”

“I,” Shuichi stammered, “I’m sorry?”

Kokichi’s eyes narrowed, then brimmed with tears. “You’ve been acting strange all day until now. You haven’t even talked to me. I was beginning to feel so lonely… Hey Shumai, did you find something? Like a way out? Drugs?”

Kokichi lit up, but Shuichi was certain a person like Kokichi never lit up in that sense a day in his life. Then again, there was always something new to figure out about him. 

“I haven’t been feeling myself recently,” Shuichi admitted, “but I’ll get on the right track again soon. I’m sorry.” 

A scuff passed Kokichi’s lips, replacing it with a wiry smile. “You better not be becoming sick. The weaker you get, the easier you will be to pick off!”

Shuichi gave him a look. He shook his head, taking a step away from his peer. “Don’t say things like that. No one is participating in the game.”

“For now maybe.” Kokichi pouted. He tapped his shoe against the ground in thought. “Does Shumai have anything else he’s doing for the day?”

“I’m… I’m not sure what I have planned.” Quite literally. He bit the inside of his cheek. 

“Then spend the day with me!” Kokichi exclaimed, bouncing on his heels as he beamed up at Shuichi. “I want to play games together, but we have to get that gross stuff out of your hair. And get your jacket. It’s too cold to be wearing just a shirt. And button it up! Straighten your tie! You look like a reject k-pop idol who just got thrown through a tornado.”

He really didn’t pull any punches. Shuichi thought he looked kind of nice, but it seemed not many took his look well. Maybe that’s why Saihara took over for so long. He nodded to Kokichi, scratching his exposed neck.

“I guess I don’t look normal, right?” Shuichi looked to the side. “I was trying some new things out.”

“You don’t look like my Shuichi.” It wasn’t too often Kokichi used his real name in place of one of his funny nicknames, but when he did, it never failed to catch Shuichi’s attention. He watched as Kokichi reached forward and took his hand. Without skipping a beat, he began to drag Shuichi down to his room. He waited patiently for Shuichi to open the door before inviting himself in. 

Shuichi was about to protest- not really, he didn’t think he’d be able to influence his situations much with Kokichi if it wasn’t with others there to defend him- but froze when Kokichi plucked a dirty towel off the floor and threw it at him. “Wash your hair quick so we can play.”

With that, he plopped onto Shuichi’s bed, kicking his legs in the air idly. Shuichi stared for a moment before realising that Kokichi would be upon him again if he didn’t get moving. He closed the door for the bathroom behind him.

He removed his shirt. He didn’t want to take a full shower, so he dunked his head under the sink until he could no longer feel the tough gel encasing his hair. Toweling his hair, he plucked his button up back up.

He got dressed, buttoning his shirt all the way to the top before heading out with the towel draped over his shoulders. Kokichi was still there, sitting at the edge of his bed with his jacket in his hands. Upon seeing him leave the bathroom, Kokichi headed over with a grin. He stepped on his tiptoes, reaching a hand up to curl into Shuichi’s wet locks. A cute little smile worked on his pale lips as his hand dragged down to cup Shuichi’s cheek, then dropped to his side. 

“There, now you look like my beloved!” Kokichi hummed, grabbing onto Shuichi’s sleeve. He thought the boy would begin to tug him around again, but instead he started to help button Shuichi’s sleeves that had been pushed up early. It was horribly wrinkled, but it was an easy fix by covering it with the jacket Kokichi then offered. 

Shuichi straighten his coat once it was on, smiling to himself when Kokichi poked his hair until his bangs were back in their usual spot, still damp. 

“Feel better?” Kokichi asked, leaning back.

“Better?” He hadn’t remembered saying he didn’t feel well. Still, there was a look in Kokichi’s big eyes that said there was something else going on. There often was. It’s something he admired about Kokichi. And he couldn’t deny how relaxed he felt. With his coat back on, he felt snug and warm. His hair was back in his face and hid his blushes that came and went as they pleased and always embarrassed him. He felt like he could breathe better now, even when he had his shirt buttoned up completely. 

“I’m feeling better. Thanks.”


	4. Mono-poly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi and Shuichi play Monopoly, but not for long.

When Saihara came to, Shuichi was sitting on his bed cross legged. Kokichi had spread out a stiff board game square down on the board and was playing Monopoly with him. He wished it was a normal game, but it was actually meant to be Mono-poly. Each square was designed for the game, each square was a different classmate or a version of Monokuma they had never seen. There was a few that were shadowed over. Kokichi jammed his finger against one with glee. 

“That’s DICE! I’d recognize that stupid hair of my second in command from anywhere!” However, the label was only “Nameless Crowd” on the board and card. 

There was no freeparking. There was jail and execution, which took the place of free parking. If landed on, you had to give up a property, a character, and the space would be a dead zone for the rest of the game. So far, only Korekiyo was dead, and by Kokichi’s hands. 

Lastly, there was the middle draw cards, verdict and alibi. All in all, it was a strange game. One that Shuichi was sorely losing in. He had quite a few people under his belt, but not any monopolies. Kokichi had everything he lacked, and the most expensive group of students, Keebo and Miu, and had hotels on both of them. 

“Careful,” Kokichi grinned as Shuichi picked up the dice, “an eight or a ten could leave you in quite the pickle.”

“I’m well aware,” Shuichi mumbled as he glared warily at the upcoming spots. Saihara glared toward him, which he promptly ignored in order to throw the dice. However, a split second before they left his palm, he felt his body tense up and simply plop them on the board. A six and a four. 

“Hah!” Kokichi bounced in his seat, grinning as he held out his hand. “That’ll be two thousand dollars! Nishishi- Which, if I remember right, you don’t have! Three hundred bucks to your name… Time to start closing some properties.”

Shuichi sighed and began to flip some of his cards, calculating how much he’d need to put out of game for the time being until he could pay off his debt. Another blow like this and he could say goodbye to winning. Though, he wasn’t in a good spot anyways. The only two properties left on the board was Kokichi’s space, notably the least landed on spot in the entire game, and Himiko’s. 

“You know, you could slide by with not paying.”

Shuichi looked up, furrowing his eyebrows. “What?”

“I’m willing to do a little trade! All the money you owe me will be overlooked… If you give me one property.” Shuichi looked at the board, noticing with a pale face how close Kokichi was to multiple monopolies if it wasn’t for his own meddling. He expected Kokichi to demand the second highest value locations, Maki and Kaito. However, that’d make pretty much one fourth of the board a landmine. He didn’t think he’d be able to roam that area with any ease. 

“Which one would you want?” 

“I think you know which one,” Kokichi laughed. Shuichi frowned, not seeing much of a debate with his answer until he saw Kokichi poke at a spot on the board he wasn’t focusing on. It was Shuichi’s space, one of the first properties he had acquired, but had given up on upon seeing it was only paired with Kokichi’s space, which was seemingly impossible to land on. He plucked up the card and handed it over. 

Kokichi grinned and held the card close. “Pleasure doing business with you.”

Kokichi’s turn came and went and Shuichi was twenty dollars richer. He rolled a low number the next turn and enjoyed getting another two hundred dollars to his name. By Kokichi’s next turn, he was counting spaces before casting the dice. As Shuichi predicted, he missed his own property. 

“Aw, that’s too bad,” Kokichi pouted, hugging the Shuichi card close, “but I’ll get him next time! You have the worse luck with rolling.”

He bit his words by Shuichi’s second turn, when he landed on Kokichi’s grinning space. He fished out the money for the property as Kokichi groaned. He set down his Shuichi card and leaned across the board, right into Shuichi’s personal space to grab the card from the dwindling pile. His hand rested by Shuichi’s knee in order to keep himself up. As Shuichi placed the money in the bank, Kokichi began to mumble. 

“I noticed something weird about this game a while ago,” Kokichi said as he clutched his card, “but it’s nothing the Ultimate Detective couldn’t see, right? You know what I’m talking about?”

“Uh, well, there’s a lot of things that are different.” Shuichi looked at the board. 

Kokichi shook his head, “They still kept lots of what monopoly was. They have the exisals as the trains minus one, they have a jail, card drawing spots, but there’s something weird about it. Something that is basic monopoly.”

It was hard to see the board with Kokichi leaning over so close. His face was only inches away, tilted slightly to the side. His usual giddy smile was blank as well as his wide, curious eyes. Shuichi had a feeling he had to figure it out or else he’d be mocked and urged to search longer until he found it out.

Glancing away from his eyes, Shuichi looked at his own properties before he saw something strange. The Monokubs were divided between three of them, then two with Monokuma. However, that wasn’t the norm.

“Every student has one other person in their color,” Shuichi stated, “they are all in pairs.”

“You did see!” Kokichi’s eyes lit up again. “I was thinking to myself it was kind of funny. It’s like fate knew things before we came here. Miu and Keeboy are so gushy it’s gross. Kaito and Maki? Don’t get me started on how lovestruck that idiot looks half the time for no reason.”

Kokichi rolled his eyes. “And then there’s Tenko and Himiko. Can’t complain about those two when it makes Tenko shut up for a good minute about hating all men.”

Shuichi could understand that complaint, but he wouldn’t say it outloud. Luckily, the neo-aikido user wouldn’t be able to hear from behind the closed door of Shuichi’s dorm room. 

“So?” Shuichi asked as he took the Kokichi card from his opponent’s hand. He glanced over the card before his heart thudded loudly against his ribcage. The top margin, where the color of the property was proudly displayed, was violet. He recognized it immediately and his cheeks burned. He looked up once more, eyes shifting wildly to take in Kokichi’s expression. Half lidded eyes. Small, gentle smile, something commonly found on Rantaro, not Kokichi. He didn’t recognize him without his usual miniscule off putting features being displayed, like the sparkle of mischief in his eyes or his quirked smirk or the tears he’d cry so suddenly and easily at the smallest inconvenience. It was strange seeing him so calm and serious without also looking a little threatening or scary. 

That all being said, he never hated any of that about him. It was what made Kokichi so interesting. Tough, cute, silly, cool, and a whole other bunch of words that could fit the liar before him.

The liar before him… 

“I was thinking that since Shumai and I share a violet space,” Kokichi hummed, tapping his chin with his hand that wasn’t supporting him up across the board, “maybe that is meant to mean something.”

“So you are catching on now, right?” Shuichi could hear Saihara’s voice right in his ear. A shiver ran up his spine as he saw Saihara walk around him to settle beside Kokichi. He bit his lip as the hallucination carded a hand through Kokichi’s hair and cupped his opposite cheek. His gold gaze locked with Shuichi’s. “This is why I told you to leave him behind. Look at you. He’s bringing you back down beneath him because he was threatened before with your change. It’s all about power in this game, and he wants to make sure you are wrapped around his finger until the very end.”

“That’s..” Shuichi stopped before he could continue, but Kokichi was already anticipating for him to continue. 

“It is true,” Saihara sighed, petting through Kokichi’s hair once more, “ever heard of that one phrase? Hell can look a hell of a lot like paradise on first glance?” 

“Shuichi, why are you looking over there?” Kokichi frowned, looking over his shoulder where Shuichi seemed to be entranced by staring at the wall. “You can tell me what you are thinking, I was only bored because you were taking too long on your turn! It’s not that deep or anything, jeez!”

“Who are you going to trust here? Yourself or a dirty, rotten liar? Then again, who would trust a good for nothing like you.” Saihara’s words cut like a knife. Shuichi bowed his head, eyes shut tight. He had no idea. Neither wasn’t an option, but he sure as hell knew he was weak, he couldn’t rely on even himself to bring him to a better place. 

“Remember their eyes...”

But…

“Those hate filled eyes…”

He wouldn’t need to. He had Saihara. 

“That’s right. You always have me. I’m the only one who loves you, and will keep your best interests at heart. I’m the only one you can trust.” The only person he could trust was Saihara. This freewill, this curse, it only led him to ruin lives and mess things up. He didn’t deserve it. Not if he could be so easily manipulated. 

His body jerked suddenly as Kokichi pushed his shoulder back. His vision was getting blurry. “S-Shuichi? Shuichi, I was only kidding! Why are you…”

Shuichi began to curl back into himself. He cleared his throat in order to call out to Saihara to take over, but before he could, two arms wrapped around him. He vaguely heard game pieces crunched and tossed about as Kokichi crawled over the board and enveloped Shuichi into his arms. He buried his face against Shuichi’s chest, nuzzling his forehead into his thick black coat. 

“Shuichi, you need to calm down,” Kokichi said, but it was all so quiet and muffled, “... xiety? Okay, deep breaths. In, out, in, out…. Heck, I didn’t know Monopoly really hit home for you, warn a guy next time, right?”

Kokichi’s bad joke wasn’t answered as Shuichi panted, trying to ease his mind as Kokichi explained, but a splitting headache began to spread through his head. Saihara was trying to take control, as he wanted, but why was it so painful? Why was his heart clenching so much? Why was he crying? Why was the room spinning? Why, why, why…

“Hurts,” Shuichi cried quietly, raising his hands to bury into his hair and tug, eyes screwing shut. Kokichi stayed pressed against him, but eased Shuichi’s hands into his own to avoid the other giving himself more pain. 

“I’m sure it does,” Kokichi whispered, settling Shuichi’s arms around him before sitting up and hugging Shuichi, pressing his face against his collarbone, “it’ll all be okay though. Breathe, cry it out, okay?” 

“W-Why are,” Shuichi hiccuped under his breath, grabbing the back of Kokichi’s shirt in his fists, “y-you…”

Why are you so warm when you are supposed to be so cold?

“I’ve been through this stuff before,” Kokichi hummed, petting Shuichi’s hair, “being close like this… It makes it better, right?” 

Shuichi sniffled and hugged him close. He refused to look up from the white fabric of his shirt. He was scared to see Saihara’s eyes judging him. 

He didn’t deserve this comfort.

You don’t deserve this comfort. 

You worthless boy.

You deserve to just go rot. 

Shuichi tensed as Kokichi began to hum. It filled his ears and swept away his thoughts with the melody he didn’t recognize. It didn’t even seem to be a song, nothing connecting in any way. He hiccuped back a sob in an attempt to hear better to the melody. It didn’t take him long to realise he was breathing normal again, loosely clinging to Kokichi. His limbs felt heavy, but in a grounding way. 

“Feeling better?” Kokichi asked. He began to move back to see Shuichi, but he was held tightly once more, Shuichi snuggling his face into his chest. “Can you tell me what happened? You don’t need to right now, but uh… It was really sudden.”

“I’m sorry,” Shuichi mumbled, sniffling a little. He probably looked like he had been through hell, eyes red and nose running. 

“You don’t need to be. Just keep relaxing…” Kokichi rested his cheek on the top of Shuichi’s head and continued to run his hands through his hair, then up and down his forearm. 

“Weak,” Saihara whispered. Shuichi could have sworn he felt the room become empty afterwards, with only Kokichi and him on the bed, holding each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if Kokichi is OOC, he's just super concerned about how Shuichi is acting over the past day and now and is Worried. 
> 
> Also I headcanon pre-game and Kokichi's fabricated past that he had to deal with anxiety or just bad stress situations that made him develop actually low-key good coping mechanisms/skills.


	5. Two Roads To Ruin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi and Saihara have different ideas of what is best for Shuichi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been on Spring break and haven't updated. Oop

Shuichi knew he was weak from the way he couldn’t pull away from Kokichi. He just kept holding him, even though he knew his tears were dampening the white fabric covering Kokichi’s shoulder and must be making him uncomfortable. 

It was odd to cling. He wasn’t a very touchy person by nature. His life before the killing game was of solitude and isolation, though he was the one responsible for that. The only person he talked to was his uncle, but he couldn’t remember a time they shared a hug except for the day he was officially taken into his custody. 

“Shumai, feeling better?” Kokichi cooed in a voice that sounded oddly like a housewife from a 70’s sitcom. He huffed at the bizarre thought before pulling away. He sniffled as Kokichi peered down at him, hands continuing to pet his hair and caress his cheeks. Occasionally, his thumb swiped at drying tears of his cheeks, smudging them away. Shuichi felt gross, but Kokichi didn’t seem phased in the slightest over his runny-nosed, tear stained face, even when he hiccuped back another sob. “Do you need me to get you some water?”

Shuichi cleared his throat. It was dry, but the thought of Kokichi running all the way to the kitchen seemed like too much for him to handle. He didn’t want the possibility of Kokichi being sidetracked. He also… didn’t want him to run away. 

“I’m sorry for… that.” Shuichi leaned into the palm holding his cheek. “I’m not thirsty.”

“It’s all okay,” Kokichi reassured, giving him one of his dazzling smiles, “I’d rather be here than be annoyed by the skank or being bullied by Kibo.”

Shuichi almost laughed at the thought of the Ultimate Robot picking on Kokichi. “In that case, if it isn’t too much… can you stay with me tonight?”

Kokichi tilted his head, surprise filling his eyes, but he otherwise remained unphased. Shuichi decided to explain himself, as Kokichi didn’t look like he was going to say anything for the time being. “I’ve been having awful dreams and they’ve been messing me up. I… I really don’t want to be alone.”

Kokichi clicked his tongue, resuming to card his fingers gently through Shuichi’s hair. He nodded his head, pulling Shuichi back towards him again until Shuichi’s face was back in his collarbone and Kokichi’s arms were wrapped around him, cheek pressed to the top of his head. It was warm. He knew he could easily fall asleep like this, exhausted from the inner battle in his head all day and the energy Saihara already used without his knowledge. 

“You know I hate liars, Shumai,” Kokichi mumbled, but there wasn’t an ounce of anger behind his words, “so you must have a pretty good reason to not tell me the truth.”

He pulled back and gave Shuichi a smile, eyebrows furrowed. “But I expect an explanation eventually.”

With that, he climbed off the bed. He fixed his shirt from the wrinkles that began forming, then sent Shuichi a joking wink and an air kiss. “I’ll be back soon, m-kay? I need to get my stuff.”

Shuichi really didn’t want him to leave even for a moment, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak before Kokichi skipped out of his room, calling back a simple, “Leave that door open or I’ll break in again.”

As soon as he left, Saihara phased into the room. His arms were crossed and his head was bowed, but Shuichi could make out his eyes glaring at him. Shuichi tried to avoid locking eyes with him, instead choosing to begin putting away their destroyed board game. The board and money papers were crumpled and misshapen from Kokichi climbing over them and eventually sitting on them since Shuichi refused to let him go. 

“I had high hopes for you,” Saihara finally sighed. Shuichi glanced up and watched Saihara slump against the wall. His arms fell limp to his side as a long sigh passed his lips, “I took everything into account. I really wanted what was best for you. I’ve tried so hard to give you the life you deserved after all you’ve been through at your old home… at school…”

Shuichi’s heart began to sink as Saihara droned on in as caring of a voice as his projection could offer. It wasn’t the concern laced in his words that affected him so greatly. He just experienced it with Kokichi and, admittedly, enjoyed every second of it. It wasn’t everyday the most separated student emotionally embraced another and coddled them until they were calmed from an anxiety attack. 

No. What freaked Shuichi out the most from Saihara’s speech was that it was the same thing that had been drilled into his mind before his acceptance letter from Hope’s Peak Academy came in. 

“I had to pull so many strings to give you the chance you had and… you couldn’t even look the man in the eyes. You couldn’t even move.” He remembered the speech his uncle gave as he flopped down into his chair. Shuichi hadn’t asked for the internship at the detective agency, but if he managed to pass as his uncle hoped, he would have been changed. He’d learn to talk to people. He’d no longer be shoved against lockers or have the lunch money he was given each morning stolen. “I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know what else I can do.”

“You don’t need to keep hanging on,” Shuichi remembered saying the morning his letter came, “I got admitted. I’m going to be an Ultimate. This is how my life will change.”

As everything tended to be, his hopes were met with a brick wall. His salvation and what his uncle clung onto was a lie. All that awaited him was this killing game. 

“You’ve never been here to help me,” Shuichi whispered, voice wavering, “it has been a lie from the beginning. You really are a motive.”

“My only purpose is to make you better,” Saihara insisted. 

“You are trying to make me commit a murder,” Shuichi replied, though his mind was still jumbled, “by either driving me insane, or maybe that is truly the only way to get myself back. Maybe you are trying to take over to force me to kill.”

“I’d have done that a long time ago,” Saihara grumbled. Shuichi raised his hand, but he didn’t remember putting the effort into doing it, “see? Controlling the weak minded is easy. I’m not here to kill.”

Bullshit. This was all bullshit. 

“Honey! I’m homeee!” Kokichi announced as he paraded into the room. In his hands, he held a pillow and thick comforter. Once he plopped them on the bed, a wide range of wrapped snacks and grape flavored soda rolled from the folds of his checkered blanket. He immediately began arranging his food on Shuichi’s nightstand. 

Was it safe for him to be here?

“Shuichi, we can still make this work,” Saihara mumbled, taking a seat on the bed beside him, “we are still working toward the same goal, but I need to know you are here to win. I need to know your eyes are on the prize. You remember, right? Popularity, intelligence, looks- all of that and more.”

When Shuichi didn’t answer him right away in favor of handing things to Kokichi to make his task easier, Saihara continued, “I just need you to do one thing.”

“What a gentleman!” Kokichi teased, flicking the tip of Shuichi’s nose once he was finished. “I might not have needed to infect these treats with drugs to make you my slave! Is this your way of saying you decided you want to join DICE?”

He giggled to himself and got into bed, draping his thick comforter around his shoulders. “You don’t have to say yes right away, Shumai. You only need to promise just one thing.”

Saihara stared him down. He could feel it. “Forget Kokichi Ouma.”

“Promise that I will always have your heart!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I still not write a good Kokichi because I made Shuichi too mentally messed up? Yes. That's the take-away of this chapter. 
> 
> That being said, I don't mean that in a negative way for Shuichi. He's got a lot of shit going on. Good luck buddy.

**Author's Note:**

> As some of you may know, I took inspiration from Be More Chill, but only really the device (squip). I also based this fic on the song Afraid by the neighborhood. 
> 
> You don't need to know either in order to understand this. I hope you enjoy.


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